Please help. No matter what I do I can’t seem to get me a man. I sit around all day and think about it and no reasons come to mind. I think about it all the time, even while I’m eating chocolate twinkies, rocking in my recliner, oiling my nail fungus, scratching my scabby head, picking my nose and putting in my false teeth. Yesterday after I finished off the leftover cheesburgers for breakfast, I was scraping the mold off the dishes in the kitchen sink and I decided it was time I start me a Facebook account. Maybe I could meet a man there. What do you think?
Sad and Lonely
Dear Sad and Lonely,
Put down the twinkies and take a walk.
Soak your feet in tea tree oil twice daily for a month, wash your head, get your fingers out of your nose, keep your teeth in and for God sake, “Do you even know what is in fast food these days?” Clean your house and get a life!!! I would suggest being sociable, finding a hobby and if you can start to love yourself then you might find someone to love you back.
Or you can start a Facebook page and use fake pictures and make yourself sound real sweet like. I hear online web dating is hot these days and you can pretend to be anyone you want.
Just remember God is watching from Heaven and Flabby is too.
Flabby in the Sky
Dear Flabby in Heaven,
My momma doesn’t love me, my daddy beat me as a child, my wife left me, my kids think I’m a total loser. I lost my shoes yesterday and had to walk barefoot through the gumball forest to get water from the creek because my water pipes have rusted out. Now I can’t walk, due to the gumball beating and I have lost my job. I’ve not had any work in weeks and I’m down to my last can of creamed corn. The hunger pains keep me up all night and the worry keeps me up all day. My neighbor cut me off from the whiskey still and I have a migraine from withdraws. The church says I’m a sinner and won’t let me back in, the bar put me on the bouncer list cause I can’t pay my tab.
Broke and Sober
Dear Broke and Sober,
Learn to play the guitar and write a blues song.
Stay far from the crossroads. God is watching and Flabby is too…
This morning when I woke up, I was a dog and was sleeping at the foot of a stinky man's bed. No matter what I do I can’t get my mind off kibble, butt sniffing and critters that run to and fro. I spent the day chasing my tail, napping and licking the stinky man’s feet. In return he gave me raw chicken innards. To my surprise they weren’t too bad. I am distracted by every sound and jump at every squeak. I dig a hole to poop in and find a tree to piss on. It’s like a never-ending acid trip. I can sniff out squirrel pee, earth worms and ant poop from a block away. The stinky man calls me Mutt. When I dream I am a man again. I am writing you from my dreams.
Dear Navajo Skinwalker,
What are you complaining about? You have a master to pay the bills, feed you, provide a home, give you a place to roam and sleep all for free. You don’t have to wear clothes. Shut your yap and Enjoy the ride!!
Stay away from fast moving vehicles and don’t bite the man delivering this letter.
God is watching and Flabby is too…
P.S: Be careful chasing humans in cars…
P.P.S.: God is watching and Flabby is too…
Dear Flabby in Heaven,
I’m tired of working. I want to stay home all day, smoke pot and watch ball games and porn. I’ve tried manipulating hard-working women into letting me live with them but they always want love, affection, attention, loyalty, commitment and all sorts of other stuff. I’ve tried living with other people and eating their food but now I’ve worn out my welcome on every couch in 5 counties. I’ve tried getting benefits from the women who are mothering my children but the IRS has called my bluff every time and shut me down. I’ve tried selling drugs but it’s only seasonal. I’ve tried scamming money out of the military by claiming to be unstable, and this worked!! Only problem is now I have money and the military says I must give some to my kids. Now I must get a house and pretend to be stable so that I can pursue custody of the kids. If I don’t then I must give the mothers money. I don’t understand why the mothers won’t agree to custody, it’s not like I would bring the children to live with me, it would just be paper work. I must make the mothers out to look like dirt-bags so the court will pass my plea or convince the mothers to sign. How do I talk sense to hard headed women?
Dazed and Confused
Go to hell.
Flabby in the other place
Dear Flabby in heaven!
I can not take it anymore. I have had enough of your halo and words of wisdom . The thought of your great talent and voice of an angel makes my blood boil. You get to sit there on a white fluffy cloud while I have to live with myself here in this dark misery of demons hellfire day in and day out. Why can't I be adored like you? I've decided it's time for people to look at you differently. I have learned your insecurities and will prey on them. I have started spreading rumors about your character and drug dealing habits. I will destroy you and take you down with my arrows of lies and manipulation.
Everything good in your life will falter because of my words of disgust for you. Be scared for I know your real name and the fools that follow me will too!
Diva of Envy
Dear Diva of Envy
This reminds me of a story about a man named Jo who had a coat of many colors. His 10 brothers were so jealous of him that they threw him into a well they then sold him into slavery after feeding his beautiful coat to the wolves. He later became ruler of all the land and the brothers knelt before him fearfully.
Good luck with that!
Green with Envy
Flabby in Heaven
P.S.: God is watching and Flabby is too…